I pride myself on the fact that the only ticket I've received in my entire life was when I was 16 years old and speeding home with Chinese food on the front seat of my piece of shit Chevy Nova. My father told me in no uncertain terms that it would be my first and last ticket I would receive "as long you live under my roof." Well, two years later I lived under MY own roof and nearly 30 years later I remain ticketless.
However, years of driving on various roadways in Massachusetts and during the years I lived in Florida have hardened me to a point where I no longer have sympathy or empathy for ANYONE on the roads. My compassion has reached an end, the end of my rope is now dangling from my neck and this column is aimed at all you bad drivers, particularly those of you who do not use your blinkers.
Ah, blinkers. Those little lights positioned on the front and backs of car, on both left and right sides, that go on and off, on and off when you flip the long circular type rod attached to your steering wheel in your car either up or down that effectively gives the person behind you and coming at you a good idea of which direction you are about to go.
Or so you would think.
A little history lesson on turn signals, blinkers, flashers, indicators. Believe it or not, turn signals were NOT offered in automobiles until 1939. Hand signals were used which was not a bad idea unless the person behind you figured you were just sticking your hand out the window to check the air temperature or just for no apparent reason whatsoever.
My conclusion is that until 1939, the human race as we know it here in North America were mind readers. Or so you would think. Buick was the first automobile manufacturer to install turn signals in its cars but not until the 1940s were auto manufacturers making them a regular component of cars.
What a novel idea. Install a simple directional gadget that would actually, quite possibly, perhaps simplistically reduce the numbers of accidents, fender benders, etc. etc.
But here we are, 70 years later, and a large number of the population of drivers are still relying on mind-reading of other drives to replace their own use (or lack thereof) of turn signals.
For example: Picture yourself at a busy intersection. You are trying to turn right (you DO have YOUR turn signal on so the person behind you knows EXACTLY where you are going and you are watching the oncoming traffic on your left. If you see a turn signal, most likely that car is going to be turning right and you can go forth right effortlessly.
Wrong.
How many times have your cursed and sworn at the drivers who turn right (no blinkers in use) and you sit there seething because you could have turned right yourself but instead you find yourself screaming at the person behind you who is honking his or her horn at you and in response via your rearview mirror and a few subtle hand gestures pointing to the oncoming cars and your head, you convey to the bozo behind you that you are NOT a mind reader and do NOT want to get t-boned just because some moron either (a) doesn't use his turn signal and turns anyways; (b) has his turn signal on for no apparent reason whatsoever and DOESN'T turn or (c) you give up and resort to the simple wave of your hand forward next to your head which means in no uncertain terms: If you don't like being behind me, fly over me asshhole.
Then we have those drivers who are driving and then decide at the very last blink of an eye second to make a right or left turn without using the blinkers (like it's the most natural thing in the world) and you, of course, in that blink of an eye second, slam on your brakes so as to avoid ending up in their trunk not because you were following too closely but because the loser in front of you had an itch that needed scratching and decided to turn right or that to accomplish same.
Then as you are pushing your stomach back down into its rightful place, you watch in utter disbelief as the driver gallantly turns on his or her blinker during the end of the turn.
Another novel idea. Blinkers on during or after the turn.
This is where the "L" gesture comes in. Too many road rage incidents have escalated to maiming and worse - murder - as a result of the "bird" gesture. I have chosen instead to use the "L" gesture as a means of replacement for my middle finger. And frankly, many times I've found myself wondering exactly why the term "flipped the bird" has anything to do with our middle finger? I've seen a lot of birds in my life and not one of them look like my middle finger. Go figure.
Back on track, the "L" gesture is simple: Hold your index finger and your thumb on same hand up and form the letter L and place against your forehead so the offending turn-signaless driver can see.
This gesture effectively conveys a seemingly incongruous message: Loser.
Or as Jim Carrey would say: Lu-uuu-UUU-UU-ser.
Frankly, most bad drivers don't get the L on the forehead gesture which is probably just as well because I may not be sitting here writing about this turn signal issue if that were the case.
But considering I have a child and have had to tamp down my temper many, many times as a result of these lovely "losers" not using turn signals, and the very fact I try to keep my swearing down to a bare minimum so as to not influence my child into thinking I have a "potty" mouth, the L on the forehead has been quite effective.
How many times have you driven up behind someone and sat there wondering "duh, which way are you going?" And perhaps you've tried to anticipate left and sneak around to the right only to find yourself a part of a metal sandwich - one that you did not create. And the driver who turned you into that sandwich is hurling profanity laced epithets at YOU because you tried to be a mind-reader.
How many times have you driven around a parking lot looking for a space and watched the aforementioned snag a prime space that you were just about to turn into because YOU had your blinker on and he or she did not. That theft of space calls for far more than the L on the forehead, trust me. But I don't recommend revenge of any kind because usually people end up in the intensive care and/or in jail as a result thereof.
What is so difficult about moving your third finger on your left hand slightly and pressing down or moving up on the 6 to 8 inch rod that is attached to your steering wheel? Do you have any idea the sighs of relief that would ensue if you would only make a concerted effort to move your finger not even an inch? Heaven forbid you might strain your back or neck or go blind moving that finger but isn't it worth it to do it to say, save your car from becoming a new brand of Oreo cookie or perhaps save you from becoming a crash test dummy?
My father used to say to my mother when she was learning to drive "you'd put your blinker on in the Sahara desert." This coming from a man who didn't wear his seatbelt and who used to turn completely around in his driver's seat on 495 south going at about 80 miles an hour to try and backhand his children because we were being too loud.
In defense of my mother, at least she uses her blinker. OK, so she puts it on about a mile from the turn she wants to make but hey, she's making the effort, correct?
There exists, of course, another group of drivers who actually DO use their turn signals and for a reason that still escapes me, leave on the turn signals for miles and miles while the other drivers' brains are being collectively fried like chicken on a grill as a result of the collective mind reading that is going on in dozens and dozens of cars trying to figure out if the bozo with the turn signal still flashing is actually going to turn.
I can only surmise that most of those mind-reading drivers are collectively praying for a right turn off the nearest cliff.
Will someone please explain to me how you cannot SEE that the turn signal is still on 50 miles after you've turned? Doesn't it go something like "clicka, clicka, clicka" inside the car and the amber or yellow colored light is flashing on/off about one foot in front of your face? Isn't that slightly annoying or slightly distracting IN THE LEAST FREAKING WAY - AT ALL??????
These very same people who either don't use their blinkers or who do use them in excess must be the very same people who invented the bumper sticker which states "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk."
I'll blink to that.
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