I was going to pick up where I left off at Part 6 and write about the events that transpired during the first five months of my newly found "relationship" back in 2006. But instead, I will write about what happened last night, September 13, 2009, nearly four years LATER. I did find out from this person that he does not see us in the future, or as he stated doesn't see us in the future "right now," whatever the hell that means, that I am simply a warm, comfortable body to him and that there is no emotion toward me other than the physical feelings I have always elicited from him whenever we have been together. Simply put for him: it has always been about sex and that's it. I guess I needed to hear this straight from his lips and now I have something concrete upon which I can make a decision: do I simply let him go and hope that someone else comes along (not likely); or do I remain in the place that I with him because it's safe, it's comfortable, it's familiar and it is at least a part of him which is better than having no part of him at all.
Before he came over last night, I wrote something that I translated to another language - his native language - and it said "No matter what happens tonight, you will always have my heart and I will always be in love with you." I read it to him in his language and apparently, it came out perfectly pronounced and he was taken aback at my ability to do same, and then said, "Can I have that?" I started to cry and asked him "why, why do you want this" (after he had told me that he and I were just "physical") but when he left, he had that piece of paper gripped tightly in his hand. For whatever reason, those words became important to him and in the grand scheme of things, I really meant what I said. I am not vindictive by nature, I am not a vengeful woman and I am not one to "get back" at people who hurt me. I have never wavered in how I have felt for him (ok, so I've wanted to push him in front of a bus a few times, eyed my steak knives when he was standing in my kitchen not too long ago telling me I was scrambling the eggs "wrong") and wanted to kick the living shit out of him for not calling, emailing or texting me for six freaking weeks at one point during this relationship). But never once did I ever feel like I wasn't in love with him. That has always remained - much like a tattoo
This has always been a one-sided relationship - I fell in love with him, and he adamantly stated he did not feel the same. I asked him once a year and the answer was always the same. I did not ask him this year because I already knew the answer and I think, having been armed with that knowledge, that all the questions I put upon him last night were already answered by me, I already knew how it would play out, I already knew that he stays with me because I give him what he wants, and not what he needs. And perhaps it is the same way with me. I don't want to "need" someone, I'd rather simply "want" someone because isn't great sex like a super bonus in a relationship? If you have the solid foundation, if you have all the elements of a solid relationship, isn't making love or having mind boggling sex truly just one big giant present at Christmas? That's how I have always looked at it. He and I just have the bonus part without the foundation. Our foundation was not solid it was crooked and wrong and could not support us because we started it all wrong. And he believes, as a result, that it can never be right.
Maybe he is right. Maybe you can never start over right when you begin wrong.
I do know one thing, however: I gave him my heart and he handed it back to me and pretty much said "no thanks right now" but when I woke up this morning, it was still securely in its place, beating strongly and I was still breathing, still writing and largely unchanged.
The human spirit truly is indomitable and we are tested on our strength and courage all the time. In matters of the heart, many of us simply lay down and wait for the emotional landslide to bury us, others like myself have built a secure wall to hold back those landslides when they happen. Sure, that wall may develop cracks and not be as strong as it was when it was built but cracks can be fixed. But the wall remains solid, and it stands strong against the onslaught of falling in and out of love - or simply not falling in love at all.
I recently wrote that I wanted to be a vampire because love sucks.
It may, but it's how we deal with that that makes us amazing as human beings truly are. And frankly, I wouldn't trade my "humanness" for all the Edward Cullens in the world.
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