Less than 24 hours till 50

I've decided that turning 50 is like a batting slump. Either you step up to the plate and swing like you're swinging at potato chips and give up in disgust and walk away; or, tweak your stance just a bit, get that elbow up,  keep the bat off your shoulder, anchor that back foot, pivot your hips, keep your head straight then swing away, you're going to hit one out of the park.

I've been in a serious slump. I can't write (except for this blog or whatever you want to call it) and I make up a thousand reasons for same. Is there really such a thing as writer's block or is it that single parents like me who spend the days, weeks, years struggling and struggling and getting absolutely nowhere and certainly not ahead and wonder why people like my ex husband are such douchebags for parents because alcohol is better lure than his own son's smile or hug. In my famous words said in my best Jim Carrey voice: Lew eww eww eww zer.

So what about me? Ha, another song comes to mind. It's isn't fair, I've had enough now I want my share can't you see? Some one hit wonder from way back when. But this is what's it's like. Yes, I understand I've made my own choices and decisions albeit some pretty stupid ones lacking common sense and foresight and all of those things that make you go hmmmmmm BEFORE you make a choice or a decision but sadly, I can't take anything back, can't change the past and I can't change anyone in my life who's done wrong by me.

But really, 50? WTF? Five decades or half a century. I know i am harping on this but I don't care because I am sure there are many other people out there who feel the same as I and ask themselves the same question:

What have I done the first 50 years of my life?

Well, let's see. I graduated from high school with serious A's, I went to play baseball with the Boston Red Sox and members of the '67 and '75 World Series teams - I got to PITCH in a real game so that was one thing I checked off my bucket list. I graduated summa cum laude from Northeastern University, and have had the same job for nearly 10 years and the BEST boss in the universe, I have an absolutely amazing kid, a roof over my head, and a Mom who keeps Hallmark in business because she picks out the best birthday cards for me each year.

But what I have contributed to saving the planet or the whales or the kakapo ? What have I done that people say hey, PAULA did that!

Zip. Zero. Nada. Zilch.

Sure, I've coached Little League and wrote hundreds and hundreds of baseball stories and news stories and all that. And I probably could probably rent a bus and run over the property manager at a certain "ghetto" in a certain town because she's just plain evil and a bully and all the nasty things that people cough up, the things that wash up on shore after a wicked bad storm, and the snot that people hack and spit onto the ground. That's Alison Morneault. She makes Freddy Kreuger look like Mr. Rogers.

But then I'd go to jail and she is so not worth even blinking an eye for. So THAT's out of the question.

But what have I done that has permanently put a stamp on something with my name on it and classified as a seriously amazing accomplishment?

Nothing. Well, so far I've done OK raising my son by myself (I think) and I know that's a HUGE accomplishment but I'm talking something bigger and deeper and soul-searching success.

Nothing.

Yet.

It's never too late to be what you might have been.

Instead of trying to figure out the most painless way I can stick an icepick in my brain and die with dignity tomorrow, I should be reciting the single most important line from the movie "Shawshank Redemption:"

Get busy living' or get busy dyin'.

. I could wake up dead tomorrow but then I'd be extra pissed.

Fuck it. Bring on 50.

Day 3 of 2011 - Taking Trips Down Memory Lane on Facebook

Facebook has become a window to my past the last few days as I am "finding" people with whom I attended elementary and junior high school. Some I simply remember by their names and then everything is just blank. Some I remember as people I didn't like very much because I was bullied just because of my former last name which I refuse to print here other than to write (a) it RHYMES with a Disney character and something about his nose and (b) little known fact - my former last name is also known as a certain kind of Italian celery (fennel) that tastes like black licorice which in itself is absolutely DISGUSTING! Notwithstanding the fact that having been bullied much of my life because of my name, I still cringe when it's spoken out loud because it just brings back bad memories and I literally RAN into the courtroom when I was old enough, waving my name change form in front of the judge's face. Best $80.00 I ever spent!

Anyways, back to memory lane. I've "friend requested" a bunch of people from eons ago who may or may not accept my request - many have already done so - because they don't know who I am. I won't accept anyone I do not know. Some I've actually asked who the heck he or she is because I could not imagine why he or she was friend requesting me.

Friend requesting is an interesting concept. You get a little "yahoo guy" that does a little dance inside of you when someone accepts your request and that little "yahoo guy" slumps his shoulders in dejection (and rejection?) when you see your friend list drop down one or two or three because someone or several "friends" have dropped you. And you have no idea who dropped you unless you are one meticulous list making son of a gun who actually KEEPS a list of friends and peruses it every day to see who has dropped you from their facebook page ! (that's kinda creepy if you ask me. Those people need to get a serious life).

But for me, right now, it's kinda cool finding people that I went to school with even if they have no idea who I am! I know who they are. And even if they don't accept me, it won't phase me in the least. People get too sensitive over Facebook dropping or whatever it's called. Who cares? How many of the people on your friends' list do you actually SEE? Most of my friends are people I graduated with and I have gone for YEARS without seeing most of them! Others are random people who are friends of friends that I will never meet and others are members of my extended family - my cousins. My sister and nephew are on my page but I never talk to them online!

One of the people I went to junior high school with accepted my friend request and I was stunned to see he's some kind of big rock star now! How cool is that! Funny how we don't think about that stuff when we are young or, alternatively, what we think we will be when we grow up isn't how our lives turn out. It's whether we allow our lives to fill with regrets that will keep us from making our dreams a reality or if we simply move on and find a way to fulfill at least one of the dreams of our youth. I did - I got to pitch for the Boston Red Sox in 1986 when I attended one of those fantasy camps. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat just to say I got to pitch - twice. And of course, writing books has always been my biggest dream. if JK Rowling can do what she did, then why can't I?

My favorite quote is "It's never too late to be what you might have been."

It really isn't if you just believe in yourself.

Now, if only my teenage naval officer George Chapman who was stationed in Norfolk, Virginia on the U.S.S. Enterprise and who I genuinely liked - alot - would turn up!

You never know.