Countdown To Eviction

9 days.

I didn't think too much about Nov. 18th today. My eviction file is sitting on my desk, It has taken on a life of its own: two snakes intertwined around each other just waiting to strike. My file contains the venomous poison of a cobra by virtue of the other tenant's lies against me; and the twisted, strangled squeezing feeling of hopelessness and despair that the management python of this complex left me with since July 2nd.

There is a genuine fear to thinking you are going to lose your home, especially when you have a child. It is unlike any fear I've ever known. I have always taken care of myself, paid my rent and lived my life. But when I had my son and realized he would be completely dependent upon me for many years, it turned my life upside down and inside out. Little did I realize how hard this life would be. And how hard I fought to protect my son from the evil people in this world.

I have not talked about the upcoming court date in front of my son. He is immersed in creating a book report, doing long division and asking me questions as to how the color gets into the lead of a colored pencil and how that portion gets in the wood that the pencil is made of. He asked me tonight if a gun is shot underwater, will its speed be the same as if shot above water? He wants to know why the planets line up symmetrically and why everything just works the way things do. I give him as best answers as I can. Sometimes  I have to look stuff up because I genuinely don't know the answer. I try not to blow off my son's questions because when I look at him, I see me. But I never had anyone to ask these questions of. I had to find it out on my own, by myself. But when my son asks me these deep, thoughtful, insightful questions, I am amazed that perhaps that need to know comes from me.

the need to know. Some people are just born with this inate burning desire to know, to possess knowledge, to ask questions just because.

It is obvious that the management company here lacks a vocabulary that consists of the words who what where when why and how.

Innocent until proven guilty. Nope. Not to these people. let's get rid of the white, college educated, above average intelligent WHITE tenant who has a job and doesn't sleaze off of the state and protect the minority tenant because if management tried to evict her, can you say discrimination lawsuit?

well, can you say reverse discrimination? I never in my life encountered this kind of situation. It has the appearance of reverse discrimination but I've not yet told the entire story but when all the pieces are put together, and the truth is laid out in neat rows, one will be able to clearly see reverse discrimination.

I try not to think about that. I try to think of my son's endless barrage of questions instead of what may be in 9 days. I can't imagine having to pack up my things in 24 hours and having a sheriff watch over me. I can't imagine getting in my car and not having a place to sleep. I can't imagine having to tell my son that his room will be the backseat of my jurassic park 16 year old car.

When you raise a child alone because you have no family around you and you become mother and father all rolled into one person, you tend to be braver and more courageous because you get used to facing everything alone.

But when I close my eyes at night, I pray that someone will rescue us. I pray that someone will come into our lives and take us away from this awful place and give us a real home. A place where I can heal and find serenity in a garden. A place where my son can laugh at the top of his lungs, and jump until the ground shakes - and no one will complain. I want to walk in my front door and never look down at my feet again. I want to be able to sleep without my baseball bat cradled in my arms. I want to not get up four and five and six times at night just to check my door.

I do not like to live in fear.It is eating me alive.

Fear is a flukey snarky hinky thing to live with. It can be innocuous (like fear of ants or creepy crawly things in general) or fear can be the intangible rope that squeezes the life out of you every single second you try to breathe.

Welcome to my world.