So seriously? I thought this was going to be just a weight loss blog but my incontrovertible humor seems to be overtaking my desire to tell the world that I'm not really "fat" (except by the fashion industry standards who classify a Size 6 as a plus size. If that's the case, then I am the Oval Office times 3.
So tonight was somewhat of a disaster. There I went again having nothing to do with my hands except put food in same and raise to my mouth. but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Let's see: piece of veggie quiche (cold, yum, without ketchup heavens to mergatroit), some steamed carrots, spinach, and coucous and a few bites of steamed cauliflower. no salt. I sloshed a few splashes of wasabi fat free dressing on everything on my plate as my son watched in horror because ALL my food was touching and i have a tendency to mix my food together just to see what it tastes like. I don't care. I LIKE my food touching. I LIKE when I mix my corn and mashed potatoes together and I LIKE slathering my steak with 1.59 walmart ketchup (or whatever the brand name is). I don't CARE what anyone thinks.
So that was my dinner tonight. But then of course there was ONE Portugese roll left and I split it with my son and I opted out of the butter for peanut butter. My logic? Protein is way better than than the butter.
Um, yah, right. Fat = fat no matter what.
but it was only a little peanut butter. It's not like i layered it on my half of the roll. And I drink milk with 99.9 percent of my meals (yes, even with Chinese food and lobster) so I finished my milk with my half of the roll.
And nothing else has gone into my mouth since 6 p.m.
So here I am at 9:40 pm i just finished watching Easy A, a great movie. But the best part is when the guy she likes drives up onto her lawn on a borrowed lawnmower holding up speakers that are blaring "DONT YOU FORGET ABOUT ME" a HUGE 80s hit. Now how come I could never find a guy to do that for me?
50 is a funky number. I am undecisive right now about whether to throw in the towel and look upon the last five decades as 50 years of having accomplished nada, zip, zero, and however other many languages you can say "nothing" in terms of a real career or a lasting marriage or long-term relationship that was actually healthy and meaningful and "normal" or I can spend the next five decades remembering that it's never too late to be what I might have been.
What might I have been? Thin. I was - when I was about 12 ha ha ha ha.
I mean don't get me wrong - I do care what I look like and I really cannot stand to look at myself naked because pregnancy was not my bag and losing 60 pounds in 3 months borderlined on dramatic weightloss but given that all I did was smoke pack after pack of cancer sticks and drink gallons and gallons of DD coffee and not eat, well, yah, I guess it was pretty dramatic. and even more dramatic is how half of it has slithered back onto me like freakn' medusa's snakes on her head (is that like snakes on a plane?) and in the past year, I have been undergoing some weird shit inside and out that I am just not happy about and given that my mother has early dementia, my sister is a kook, my brother speaks to me once a year and my youngest sister lives in Australia and has NOT got eaten by a Great White, there isn't anyone I can really talk to about what's happening to me. I am mired in silence because I am horrified that my hair is thinning, (I am afraid to brush it), I don't sleep because I may as well be sleeping in a bed of lava, my bathroom scale has become a land mine and the guy that I've been dating off and on and off and off and off and on and on and on and off and on and let's see what is it now? on I think -- for nearly seven years is in worse shape than I am.
So I am a little envious of moms in my town who are younger than me, THINNER than me and who have teens about to go off to college and husbands who are wealthy and they don't have to look at the prices in the grocery store (but probably wouldn't get on their knees and give their husbands a blow job even if a thousand dollar shopping spree to Macy's was offered to them in exchange for same)
jeez girls -- it's not really THAT big a deal.
I'm getting off track.
bottom line: I am almost 50, overweight, dealing with mind-boggling physical INTERRUPTIONS (what the fuck kind of word is menopause anyways? MEN O PAUSE. Yep, that about sums it up. Men will pause when a woman turns 50 and say gee, she looks like shit. Oh and did I mention I have a pre-teen kid who is beginning to experience puberty and who cheerfully informs me that he has hair on his balls?
And I wonder why I eat the way I do.
I would kill for a smoke right now.
Is it Day 2 yet?
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