Clearly trying to establish good eating habits and attempt a minor weight loss while under duress, stress and worry are just not daunting tasks but completely and utterly epic fails because the stress and the worry force me to seek solace in food to chase away the stress and the duress and the worry if only for a few hours. But I'm not going on food binges and eating for the cycle LOL - I seem to be eating two meals a day these days but not concentrating on eating healthy.
This is so hard. I really hate waking up with Mt. Everest around my neck. It's getting exhausting and too painful to stay upright with that kind of weight around me.
My best friend tells me I should finish my novel. That's my ticket out of poverty. I know several other writers who are single Moms who did exactly that. JK Rowling comes to mind. How did she do it? How did she manage to balance single parenting and writing or rather, find the time just to write??? I find 20,000 excuses not to write - mostly it's fear and fear is a HUGE block. I don't have writer's block because I can certainly verbalize what I want to write and I seem to be keeping up this blog for what purpose I have which deemed. A valiant effort on my part simply to shed the worry and stress for just a bit to words on a screen instead of having it inside of me like a million writhing snakes. And that is EXACTLY what worry and stress feel like.
I called my Mom today. Sometimes I'm not sure if she knows who I am some days. I think she does but then there's something missing in hs. er voice. I can't imagine losing my Mom. I can't imagine not being able to call her every day. Most of all I can't imagine my son suffering that kind of loss. He'a already suffered so much in his young life.
And I'm terrified that something is awfullly wrong with me and without health insurance, I can't find out. I am in pain all the time. I get these mystery pains in the back of my head. I don't sleep. My memory is questionable. I had 3 blood clots in August 2010. I am always cold.
Frankly between you me and the bulletin board, I completely understand why people throw themselves off buildings and in front of trains and buses. I think about it, but I can't picture it because my son's face is always there so that the thoughts run up against a brick wall.
Someone I loved -- really genuinely loved - 30 plus years ago -- killed himself in March, 2011. The thing is I can't remember ever telling him how much I loved him back then. And when I found out he had committed suicide, I was devastated not only by his death, but by the fact I never got to tell him that I really loved him.
My son knows how much I love him. I tell him every day. But I know what his life would be like if anything happened to me. He wouldn't want to live because he'd have to go live with his father. And I know my son would rather die than do that. And I can't ever let that happen.
Maybe I'm just imagining things. Maybe I'm just so damned scared of turning 50 and having only one accomplishment in my life and knowing I should have so many others and providing for my son in the manner I should. I'm scared I'm going to lose my Mom, I'm pissed that my older sister fucked up her health and her entire life with drugs, I can't understand how people can just walk away from their kids without a second thought or a second glance, and I can't understand praying for things that just don't happen.
I am at a loss today. I live on a rollercoaster these days. Last night I had my friends from high school here and we were whooping it up celebrating the New England Patriots victory over the Denver Broncos and Tim Tebow.
Today I had to get out my house with my son, we went to breakfast, we picked up his friend and went walking and hiking in 8 degree weather. I took great pictures and I was neutral happy.
I can't seem to hold on to that feeling, though. It just swirls down and gets sucked back into that vortex of worry and stress that become my life.
"Tebowing" didn't work for Tim Tebow and it certainly hasn't worked for me.
Saving grace: American Idol starts on the 18th and spring training is not too far off.
I think about my son's smile and his hugs and how he tells me he loves me for no apparent reason.
These things keep me grounded while the buses and trains just pass by me.
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