I have to stop NOT eating breakfast! Lunch was the same as yesterday - bagel cream cheese and smoked salmon (I think I was Jewish in another life).
My work computer has a virus and let's just add that to all the other stress. I am not going to bore anyone with my problems but frankly, if you don't want to read about them, click off the page.
See here's the situation: My ex owes me just of $5,000 for divorce related stipulations. Never going to see it. But as a result of his failure to uphold the near 12 year divorce stipulations, my entire income tax return EVERY YEAR pays for my son's 10 weeks of summer camp which I have fill because I have to work. No choices there. So here's my dilemma: I am in over my head financially but on the flip side, all my bills are current, my phone never rings from debt collectors because no matter what, I pay my bills. I need about $20,000 grand and half of that would pay off the debt. Yes, I know many people would KILL to have only 10,000 in credit card debt but to me, it's like sleeping with Mt. Everest every night and walking with it hanging around me neck during the day - it's always there and it's huge and there's no room for anything else and I am nearly bent over broken from the weight of the debt.
So my town's summer camp signup is on Feb. 16th ish. I do not have the funds to sign my son up for six of the ten weeks I need because I won't have my tax return in time. I CAN get on the waiting list but it's not a given he'll get in. But even then - once again I use my entire tax return to fund his summer camp (my ex is supposed to be paying half but he's been AWOL for more than a year coz he's just a complete and utter dick) and my Mom is showing early signs of dementia (she's nearly 81) so I can't ask her and I shouldn't have to because I should be taking care of myself and my son but after being so long in this awful cycle of financial poverty it just seems like there is just no light at the end of the tunnel.
So 20 grand is my contingency plan because believe it not, that would last me a long, long time. i've become so accustomed to scrimping and I could probably stretch what is left over after paying the debt off for two years! If my ex croaks (not that I wish it on him as much as I despise him), I get half of the life insurance policy because he remarried and named her as a second beneficiary. I'm sorry if this sounds cold but my son was here first, she was an illegal alien when she married my ex and she could give a shit about me or my son (not that I expect her to care about me but she thinks my son is a financial burden to her own life. I have a word for her but I won't write it on here coz I do possess class. but it doesn't mean that I can't think it out loud.
So dominoes are stacked and are getting ready to fall because since I don't have the $$ for my son's summer camp, and I don't know anyone rich from whom I could borrow the 20 gs (a no interest loan, payable upon my inheritance but with a good faith payment each month - that's all I can do truthfully and I know it seems so impossibly naive for me to think that someone would help but shit, you know what? I don't care anymore. All I care about is taking care of my son. So if no summer camp, then I have to resign from my job in June, collect unemployment and stay home with my son all summer. While the "idea" is actually appealing, it's not reality because I live paycheck to paycheck and hold my breath every time I check my bank account into which my child support is deposited. i don't trust my ex. But I remind myself that he chose to take himself out of his son's life. I've been in this mother thing since the day i found out I was pregnant. In 150 percent.
But I just keep asking myself is this all there is? Those knights in shining armor? I'm not sure they exist. I remember reading a story a long time ago about a single mom with a child - her name is Diedre and I know her daughter has special needs) who met Albert Pujols (the major league baseball star) and she was struggling and living in the same kind of financial poverty and she ended up marrying him. But she was young and beautiful and I'm old and somewhat attractive I guess I don't know but do you think something like that could happen to me? Nope. I dream of meeting someone with money but more importantly - someone I really like, that my son likes, who would like BOTH of us and perhaps fall in love with BOTH of us and vice versa and basically tell me I would never have to worry about paying for my son's summer camp expenses again.
but who am I kidding? ME LOL!!!! The one time in my life I was lucky was when my son was born. I read stories about bank robbers who have won the lottery and then I read stories about people who have won the lottery and have gone bankrupt! That's insane beyond all comprehension.
I can't help think of that song from the 70s I think called "What About Me?" It was a one hit wonder. But I ask that question over and over.
And let's add worrying about my Mom to all the stress because I'm going to be the one who will have to make the decision about her well-being when that day comes. And I'm so worried and consumed with fear that it's going to come sooner than I want it to. what am I going to do? I want her as close to me as possible - preferably in the same town or the next town over so I can see her every day. I HATE that she lives in another state and I blame my asshole father for that because he moved my mother there and she didn't want to go. My family is so splintered that I'm the only one who will be there to take care of my Mom because my older sister is a liar and crazy, my brother lives in Florida and I only speak to him once a year and my other sister lives in Australia and I swear to God I am repeating myself (no, I KNOW I am) and my father doesn't even count or figure into my Mom's future because they're divorced and he's a prick of the highest degree.
So here I am wondering how all this is going to play out and wishing I could get lucky like that woman who met and married Albert Pujols. She never has to worry about money again. What sucks is that I am not in a public type job so I never get to meet anyone at my job. My son is with me all the time so I don't go out much because I can barely afford my living expenses nevermind a babysitter.
Not too many options for me.
I'm blah blah blahing right now. When I got home, I ate a tomato salad with a piece of bread but then got into the pretzels and nutella (which god bless america are really good together - sweet and salty. And i had a glass of milk so of COURSE that justifies the pretzels and nutella. But that's been it. I ate until i wasn't hungry anymore which wasn't alot. And right now i have no desire to eat anything else.
I want a cigarette in the worst way. But I won't do it.
I just need that 20 grand. And someone to fill in the big gaping hole in my son's life and in mine. I wish I could contact that woman and ask her how she managed to snag someone like Pujols. How did she get that lucky? yes, I know all the pitfalls of marrying a ballplayer or a professional athlete - duh, do you think I fell off the turnip truck this morning? But in the big picture for me, she doesn't have to worry about money for her kids every again. And that's what I so desperately crave is just to be able to have enough money so I can take care of my son. I'm not willing to settle for some 80 year old rich guy (yuck) because I am human and I crave human contact. Women who marry those kinds of guys ARE golddiggers. I am so not that.
I just want to wake up every morning and not have Mt. Everest around my neck anymore and never have to worry about how I am going to take care of my son.
Movin' forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment