Verizon Samsung Brightside Cell Phones - Are they ALL DEFECTIVE?

to date, I still own a defective Samsung Brightside cell phone. 

to date, Verizon continues in its attempt to silence me with threats, tampering with my FIOS account, and sending ONLY ME revised terms of service. 

I will not be silenced. I am a consumer and every consumer should get what they paid for.

So this blog is for everyone who has purchased a Samsung Brightside cell phone from on or about February 2012 through today. READ THIS. TEST YOUR PHONES. 

The Calendar and Alarm features ARE EPIC FAILS! Google Samsung Brightside DO NOT BUY UNTIL THEY FIX. You can read all my posts on the Verizon Wireless forums. use the words defective, flawed, calendar problems, alarm problems - you will see how many times I've tried to get Verizon and Samsung to notice but both refuse to acknowledge a problem! I even have a written letter from a Verizon exec who VEHEMENTLY denies there is a problem with the Samsung Brightsides!!!!! REALLY? 

1. The Calendar and Alarm features are controlled by date and time, correct? So the software written for both has programming codes that "tell" the Calendar when to alert the user to a calendar event; and same for an the Alarm - you set the Alarm to go off once, daily, weekdays, weekends, or a custom alarm. But again, the Alarm is powered by date and time.

2. Look in the options under Calendar. The word "recurrence" is a misnomer because if you are creating a Calendar Event to go off just one time, you HAVE to choose "RECURRENCE" to get to any of the options. And recurrence means "something that is going happen AGAIN. So by choosing ONCE you're basically "confusing" the computer because it "sees" RECURRENCE so its expecting an event to happen AGAIN but when you choose ONCE now it has NO IDEA what to do so it just epic fails.

The programming code for recurrence is ERRONEOUS because it's written to find MORE of the same event because that's what RECURRENCE MEANS! The programming code is either erroneous in its entirety, or some part of the code is written incorrectly; or the RECURRENCE option has to be removed COMPLETELY but the programming code for recurrence is screwing up every other calendar event!

For example, if you put in an Event for today - July 7, 2011 and choose ONCE under RECURRENCE, start date as today, end date as today, start time say 5 p.m. and end time 5 p.m. and then save it; then create ANOTHER Calendar event say July 27th, and choose DAILY under RECURRENCE and then save it, when you pull up the ORIGINAL calendar even from TODAY it has the July 27th DATE ON IT !!!!!

This happens over and over and over and over no matter which options you choose, or combinations thereof.

The programming code is defective, flawed or completely and utterly erroneous OR THERE IS A BUG IN IT THAT NO ONE REMOVED WHEN THEY TESTED TO SEE IF THESE TWO FEATURES WORKED!!!!!

With all the brilliant people who write software, why can't they figure this out?

here's another thought: If you NEVER use the Calendar or set ANY events, I wonder if the Alarm will work?

Chances are it won't because again, the programming code for both features is written to use DATE and TIME as the foundation upon which events are scheduled to "go off" and ditto for alarms. the code probably has "tentacles" that reach out and control the Alarm feature which again is powered by Date and Time. 

My old Samsung Intensity II still works fine - the Calendar goes off, the Alarm goes off. Whatever software is in that phone for Calendar and Alarm should be compared to what is in the Samsung Brightside. This is not rocket science. But this is a clear cut case of a flawed cell phone and I am now absolutely undeniably convinced that ALL of the Samsung Brightsides are defective and that while the versions of software may be "different" in the "batches" of Samsung Brightsides that are manufactured and released, there remains a BUG or a broken or erroneous programming code for the Calendar and Alarm features! 

I'm not a technical wizard by any means but I have common sense and given that I have been a reporter for 30 years, I ask a lot of questions. And since March, I've asked thousands of questions and not one person has given me an answer. I think i have this figured out. I think I know what's wrong.

The problem is that neither Verizon nor Samsung will address this issue because no one has found the broken code, erroneous code, flawed code, etc. OR worse - it's a firmware issue and a recall of the Samsung Brightsides would be into the millions. 

Think about how many of these cell phones have been manufactured and sold to consumers. The monetary loss on a recall is staggering. To us, though, as consumers. Not to Verizon or Samsung. Verizon is trying its best to silence me (I have proof of same) but this is about consumers who are being sold a cell phone that, as attractive as it is because of its touch screen and the fact you do NOT have to buy a media/data package, consumers like this phone. I love my phone. I have since the day I got it. Or rather, the NEW Samsung Brightside I was given which is and continues to be defective. Same phone, same problems. 

All I ever wanted was what I paid for. that's what consumers want. Nothing more, nothing less. But when someone starts making noise about how the corporate giants won't address what could be a HUGE financial issue to them because the item in question is truly and genuinely flawed and defective and those corporate giants know how costly it will be to them to issue a recall, well, they do their best to silence the critics. 

This isn't a game. Consumers spend millions and millions of dollars on electronics, cell phones, etc. and we simply want what we paid for. No more, no less. 

No one has flat out told me whether these phones are defective, whether there is a software programming code issue - NOTHING! No one wants to accept responsibility that I may be right and I single-handedly may have uncovered a very big problem that Verizon or Samsung has yet to address or resolve! It's been FIVE MONTHS since these Samsung Brightsides have come on the market and consumers are STUCK WITH THESE PHONES WITH NO RECOURSE AT ALL! 

SAMSUNG BRIGHTSIDE CELL PHONE DEFECTIVE VERIZON DENIES ANY PROBLEM!!!

In my continuing quest for the good of the consumers who have purchased what may very well be a defective Samsung Brightside cell phone from Verizon Wireless retail stores, this is for everyone who is experiencing the epic fail of their Calendar and Alarm functions on this phone.

As you read in my first blog post, Verizon CONTINUES to deny that the Samsung Brightsides are defective. I just spoke to the owner of the alleged "fake retailer" from which I purchased my Samsung Brightside who turns out to be NOT an unauthorized Verizon Wireless retailer as stated in a letter to me by Verizon's Mr. David Hughes, the "executive correspondent" for Verizon Wireless but in fact, is a "premier" dealer (this is above authorized) of Verizon Wireless products. Mr. Hughes lied to me about that. MORE IMPORTANTLY, however, is that the owner of the store had his team check a Samsung Brightside - NEW IN THE BOX - and the team REPLICATED both the epic fail of the calendar function and the alarm function!!! 

Score one for the peon consumer.

The owner of the store is going to continue to test the Samsung Brightside - the new in the box models he has in his store. If he replicates the epic fail of the Calendar and Alarm functions in the phones he has in the store, HE IS GOING TO PULL THEM FROM HIS SHELF!!!!!!  

Finally someone is listening to me! 

The Samsung Brightside is DEFECTIVE. It could be a bad batch of defective phones and consumers who have purchased this phone but do not use the Calendar and/or Alarm features may not even know these two features DO NOT FUNCTION! It could be a FIRMWARE problem - a defective chip that no update is going to fix!

Consumers: this problem has been well documented in an internal Verizon employee problem blog but Verizon CONTINUES TO DENY THERE ARE ANY PROBLEMS!

Here is my question: Does Samsung KNOW that the Brightsides are defective? Has Samsung notified Verizon of same but Verizon will not pull these phones from their shelves because of the loss of $$$$$$$$$????????

How many consumers have purchased the Samsung Brightside and do not even KNOW that it is defective???

I will keep you posted. This is not about simply getting a working phone. This has become a principle matter to me - and for all consumers who may have unknowingly purchased a known defective phone. It has been four months now and Verizon still denies there is a problem. 

Google Samsung Brightside DO NOT BUY UNTIL THEY FIX 

Google Samsung Brightside Calendar and Alarm not working.

If you own a Samsung Brightside, check your Calendar and Alarm functions - even if you don't use them. I need to hear from as many people as possible! 

Stay tuned. 

Defective Samsung Brightside Cell Phones - Bad Batch, Corporate Ostriches and Sucker Consumers

I admit I am not a high-tech kind of girl. When it comes to my cell phone, I want something easy. I don't need a "media package" - I have computers for that. So on March 11, 2012 when I went into an alleged Verizon retail store and bought a brand spanking new phone - a Samsung Brightside - I was thrilled that it had everything I needed for a really affordable price.

Welcome to my nightmare.

As marketed and as sold to me - brand new - the phone came with two features I need in my everyday life: A Calendar and an Alarm. To make a long story short, neither have worked from the day I purchased the phone. Every now and then the alarm will go off but for a long stretch of time, it didn't. The Calendar function has NEVER worked.

Three times I went back to the alleged Verizon retail store - the first two within a week of purchase and was told "oh well, must be a glitch, it will fix itself" and "too bad, so sad you are stuck with this phone" can't give you a refund or a new phone.

So I filed a complaint with the Mass. Attorney General's Office. THAT got Verizon's attention. I received a call from a David Hughes, a suit in the Verizon corporate offices who (a) tried to tell me that there is nothing wrong with the Samsung Brightsides; (b) who told me too bad so sad you can't get a new phone; (c) wanted to send me a "certified like new USED RECONDITIONED Samsung Brightside" and good luck with that.

Deny, deny, deny.

So I went onto the Verizon Wireless website, searched Samsung Brightside problems and oh lookee what I found: many other consumers having the IDENTICAL ISSUES! So I printed all those emails, mailed to the mediator handling my case at the AG's office, and continued to solicit information from other consumers about this phone.

Then I get an email from another consumer who named a Verizon employee in Illinois who absolutely undoubtedly had knowledge that there IS and HAS been a problem with the Samsung Brightside cell phones. Hmmmmmmm. I called this Verizon employee and she confirmed that yes, there ARE problems and guess what? These very same problems are and have been documented in an "internal Verizon employee problem blog."

Gee, Mr. Verizon suit lied to me? Oh now that's a novel concept. So I called him back, left him a "terse" voice mail and then I get a letter from him which basically blah blah blahed me to death and denied, denied, denied again and again that there were problems with the Samsung Brightside.

Clearly over 100 people from whom I've received emails must be on the same hallucinogenic drug according to the Verizon suit.

NOT!

I am not some fluffernutter 20 year old. I am a 50 year old, college educated high IQ human being. I know when I am being snowed.

There IS and HAS BEEN a problem with the Samsung Brightside cell phones. Most likely a bad "batch" of cell phones was manufactured by Samsung, distributed, marketed and sold for profit by Verizon retailers (fake or authorized) and many consumers just don't know about the defect because (a) they haven't tried the Alarm function; (b) they haven't tried the Calendar function; (c) or just don't care because they don't USE the Calendar or alarm function.

The Samsung Brightside has a touch screen which is a enticing feature for the pre-teen and teen market. And it's affordable. But with the defect, no recourse for refund, and consumers being offered a used reconditioned phone as a replacement, Verizon finds it easy to simply deny that a problem exists and will not take any steps to contact Samsung to find out if there is indeed a batch problem, a firmware problem (if that's the case, good luck Chuck because the phone will NEVER work as marketed and sold to consumers) because 100 people having the same problem with the same cell phone isn't even a penny to corporate vulture Verizon.

And interestingly enough, I've made such a stink about this that my Verizon FIOS account was screwed with (undoubtedly by some Verizon exec who wants me to disappear).

My next step is to sue the retail store from which I purchased the cell phone (according to the suit's letter, it's an unauthorized dealer so once again too bad so sad for me). But yet Verizon customer service denies problems; denies anyone has called Verizon about problems with the Samsung Brightside and refuses to give me a new FULLY FUNCTIONING CELL PHONE.

I am not being unreasonable.

I just want what I paid for on March 11, 2012.
https://community.verizonwireless.com/thread/773147
Stay tuned.

Less than 24 hours till 50

I've decided that turning 50 is like a batting slump. Either you step up to the plate and swing like you're swinging at potato chips and give up in disgust and walk away; or, tweak your stance just a bit, get that elbow up,  keep the bat off your shoulder, anchor that back foot, pivot your hips, keep your head straight then swing away, you're going to hit one out of the park.

I've been in a serious slump. I can't write (except for this blog or whatever you want to call it) and I make up a thousand reasons for same. Is there really such a thing as writer's block or is it that single parents like me who spend the days, weeks, years struggling and struggling and getting absolutely nowhere and certainly not ahead and wonder why people like my ex husband are such douchebags for parents because alcohol is better lure than his own son's smile or hug. In my famous words said in my best Jim Carrey voice: Lew eww eww eww zer.

So what about me? Ha, another song comes to mind. It's isn't fair, I've had enough now I want my share can't you see? Some one hit wonder from way back when. But this is what's it's like. Yes, I understand I've made my own choices and decisions albeit some pretty stupid ones lacking common sense and foresight and all of those things that make you go hmmmmmm BEFORE you make a choice or a decision but sadly, I can't take anything back, can't change the past and I can't change anyone in my life who's done wrong by me.

But really, 50? WTF? Five decades or half a century. I know i am harping on this but I don't care because I am sure there are many other people out there who feel the same as I and ask themselves the same question:

What have I done the first 50 years of my life?

Well, let's see. I graduated from high school with serious A's, I went to play baseball with the Boston Red Sox and members of the '67 and '75 World Series teams - I got to PITCH in a real game so that was one thing I checked off my bucket list. I graduated summa cum laude from Northeastern University, and have had the same job for nearly 10 years and the BEST boss in the universe, I have an absolutely amazing kid, a roof over my head, and a Mom who keeps Hallmark in business because she picks out the best birthday cards for me each year.

But what I have contributed to saving the planet or the whales or the kakapo ? What have I done that people say hey, PAULA did that!

Zip. Zero. Nada. Zilch.

Sure, I've coached Little League and wrote hundreds and hundreds of baseball stories and news stories and all that. And I probably could probably rent a bus and run over the property manager at a certain "ghetto" in a certain town because she's just plain evil and a bully and all the nasty things that people cough up, the things that wash up on shore after a wicked bad storm, and the snot that people hack and spit onto the ground. That's Alison Morneault. She makes Freddy Kreuger look like Mr. Rogers.

But then I'd go to jail and she is so not worth even blinking an eye for. So THAT's out of the question.

But what have I done that has permanently put a stamp on something with my name on it and classified as a seriously amazing accomplishment?

Nothing. Well, so far I've done OK raising my son by myself (I think) and I know that's a HUGE accomplishment but I'm talking something bigger and deeper and soul-searching success.

Nothing.

Yet.

It's never too late to be what you might have been.

Instead of trying to figure out the most painless way I can stick an icepick in my brain and die with dignity tomorrow, I should be reciting the single most important line from the movie "Shawshank Redemption:"

Get busy living' or get busy dyin'.

. I could wake up dead tomorrow but then I'd be extra pissed.

Fuck it. Bring on 50.

Foraging into 50 - Two Days and Counting

Is turning 50 really that big a deal? It is to me. In another type of life, my friends would throw a huge surprise party for me, shower me with crazy gifts and toast to the next five decades. And in another type of life, I'd either have a husband or a secure boyfriend who would get down on his knee and open a box and ask me to ..... go with him to Opening Day at Fenway, two box seats being in the ring box in place of a ring. Hmmm. Ring or tickets to Opening Day. I am soooooooo at Fenway LOL screw the ring! Or of course there's the fantasy that this alleged secure long time boyfriend (if there was one) would somehow manage to propose to me during the seventh inning stretch.

I dream about that. I've dreamed about that happening all my life. Never even got remotely close.

It is too late? Does 50 label me done, dinosaur, or the many other adjectives that describe women of my age?

It's been decades since someone sent me a dozen flowers of any kind and it's not likely to happen on my 50th. My Mom god bless her calls me on my birthday and sings. My friends and FB friends will post the requisite Happy Birthday on my page. That's really cool seeing all those well-wishes.

But the flowers - damn. What can I see? I'm hopeless. I could send them to myself but that is just so far to the left of lame - nah, I'd never do that. I'm lame but not desperate LOL!

Just for the record, the down on one knee with tickets to opening day in a ring box was my dream long before Fever Pitch ever hit the screen.

You know what I did today? I took my son to the batting cage. And for one hour, every single problem disappeared. I was feeding the balls into the batting machine and talking to my son about his stance, about his feet, his elbow, his head, his hips (swing away) and the world was just right for one hour.  I was in my comfort zone - I was enveloped in the one passion that always calms me down - baseball.

I should have married a ballplayer. Like Carlton Fisk. Or Bill Campbell LOL Yah, right as if they would have given me a second glance. I keep thinking about Dierdre Pujols. I keep wondering how she got so lucky.

I am so rambling tonight. Ate Mac & Cheese, a burger a pickle and a big glass of milk. Screw it. It's a crappy January night and I'm not making cake until Thursday.

That's another thing about being single and turning 50 and being me.

I have to make my own cake. My son picked it out - he had that look on his face like "I know Mom I know someone isn't going to do this for you so you have to do it yourself so I can eat it, too" - you know that look.

but the flowers, or lack thereof, may just crumble me. Who doesn't want to get flowers at their office or their home or on their front porch with a sappy card? I am the QUEEN of sap and I only know one guy in my entire life was just like me. Never met anyone after him (from 30 plus years ago) who matched me sap for sap.

Maybe I need a jake (firefighter) to rescue me. Maybe I need Steve Perry to sing to me on my 50th (Don't Stop Believing). Maybe I need Stephen King to tell me I won't end up in Salem's Lot.

Maybe Carlton Fisk will show up at my door and eat cake with me.

Maybe I'll wake up and feel absolutely the same as I do right now as 49 years winds to a close.

Five freakn' decades. Half a century.

Cougar my ass.

Where's my walker?

I'm such a dreamer.

Foraging into 50 Day 6 and Day 7

Clearly trying to establish good eating habits and attempt a minor weight loss while under duress, stress and worry are just not daunting tasks but completely and utterly epic fails because the stress and the worry force me to seek solace in food to chase away the stress and the duress and the worry if only for a few hours. But I'm not going on food binges and eating for the cycle LOL - I seem to be eating two meals a day these days but  not concentrating on eating healthy.

This is so hard. I really hate waking up with Mt. Everest around my neck. It's getting exhausting and too painful to stay upright with that kind of weight around me.

My best friend tells me I should finish my novel. That's my ticket out of poverty. I know several other writers who are single Moms who did exactly that. JK Rowling comes to mind. How did she do it? How did she manage to balance single parenting and writing or rather, find the time just to write??? I find 20,000 excuses not to write - mostly it's fear and fear is a HUGE block. I don't have writer's block because I can certainly verbalize what I want to write and I seem to be keeping up this blog for what purpose I have which deemed. A valiant effort on my part simply to shed the worry and stress for just a bit to words on a screen instead of having it inside of me like a million writhing snakes. And that is EXACTLY what worry and stress feel like.

I called my Mom today. Sometimes I'm not sure if she knows who I am some days. I think she does but then there's something missing in hs. er voice. I can't imagine losing my Mom. I can't imagine not being able to call her every day. Most of all I can't imagine my son suffering that kind of loss. He'a already suffered so much in his young life.

And I'm terrified that something is awfullly wrong with me and without health insurance, I can't find out. I am in pain all the time. I get these mystery pains in the back of my head. I don't sleep. My memory is questionable. I had 3 blood clots in August 2010. I am always cold.

Frankly between you me and the bulletin board, I completely understand why people throw themselves off buildings and in front of trains and buses. I think about it, but I can't picture it because my son's face is always there so that the thoughts run up against a brick wall.

Someone I loved -- really genuinely loved - 30 plus years ago -- killed himself in March, 2011. The thing is I can't remember ever telling him how much I loved him back then. And when I found out he had committed suicide, I was devastated not only by his death, but by the fact I never got to tell him that I really loved him.

My son knows how much I love him. I tell him every day. But I know what his life would be like if anything happened to me. He wouldn't want to live because he'd have to go live with his father. And I know my son would rather die than do that. And I can't ever let that happen.

Maybe I'm just imagining things. Maybe I'm just so damned scared of turning 50 and having only one accomplishment in my life and knowing I should have so many others and providing for my son in the manner I should. I'm scared I'm going to lose my Mom, I'm pissed that my older sister fucked up her health and her entire life with drugs, I can't understand how people can just walk away from their kids without a second thought or a second glance, and I can't understand praying for things that just don't happen.

I am at a loss today. I live on a rollercoaster these days. Last night I had my friends from high school here and we were whooping it up celebrating the New England Patriots victory over the Denver Broncos and Tim Tebow.

Today I had to get out my house with my son, we went to breakfast, we picked up his friend and went walking and hiking in 8 degree weather. I took great pictures and I was neutral happy.

I can't seem to hold on to that feeling, though. It just swirls down and gets sucked back into that vortex of worry and stress that become my life.

"Tebowing" didn't work for Tim Tebow and it certainly hasn't worked for me.

Saving grace: American Idol starts on the 18th and spring training is not too far off.

I think about my son's smile and his hugs and how he tells me he loves me for no apparent reason.

These things keep me grounded while the buses and trains just pass by me.

Foraging into 50 Day 5

I have to stop NOT eating breakfast! Lunch was the same as yesterday - bagel cream cheese and smoked salmon (I think I was Jewish in another life).

My work computer has a virus and let's just add that to all the other stress. I am not going to bore anyone with my problems but frankly, if you don't want to read about them, click off the page.

See here's the situation: My ex owes me just of $5,000 for divorce related stipulations. Never going to see it. But as a result of his failure to uphold the near 12 year divorce stipulations, my entire income tax return EVERY YEAR pays for my son's 10 weeks of summer camp which I have fill because I have to work. No choices there. So here's my dilemma: I am in over my head financially but on the flip side, all my bills are current, my phone never rings from debt collectors because no matter what, I pay my bills. I need about $20,000 grand and half of that would pay off the debt. Yes, I know many people would KILL to have only 10,000 in credit card debt but to me, it's like sleeping with Mt. Everest every night and walking with it hanging around me neck during the day - it's always there and it's huge and there's no room for anything else and I am nearly bent over broken from the weight of the debt.

So my town's summer camp signup is on Feb. 16th ish. I do not have the funds to sign my son up for six of the ten weeks I need because I won't have my tax return in time. I CAN get on the waiting list but it's not a given he'll get in. But even then - once again I use my entire tax return to fund his summer camp (my ex is supposed to be paying half but he's been AWOL for more than a year coz he's just a complete and utter dick) and my Mom is showing early signs of dementia (she's nearly 81) so I can't ask her and I shouldn't have to because I should be taking care of myself and my son but after being so long in this awful cycle of financial poverty it just seems like there is just no light at the end of the tunnel.

So 20 grand is my contingency plan because believe it not, that would last me a long, long time. i've become so accustomed to scrimping and I could probably stretch what is left over after paying the debt off for two years! If my ex croaks (not that I wish it on him as much as I despise him), I get half of the life insurance policy because he remarried and named her as a second beneficiary. I'm sorry if this sounds cold but my son  was here first, she was an illegal alien when she married my ex and she could give a shit about me or my son (not that I expect her to care about me but she thinks my son is a financial burden to her own life. I have a word for her but I won't write it on here coz I do possess class. but it doesn't mean that I can't think it out loud.

So dominoes are stacked and are getting ready to fall because since I don't have the $$ for my son's summer camp, and I don't know anyone rich from whom I could borrow the 20 gs (a no interest loan, payable upon my inheritance but with a good faith payment each month - that's all I can do truthfully and I know it seems so impossibly naive for me to think that someone would help but shit, you know what? I don't care anymore. All I care about is taking care of my son. So if no summer camp, then I have to resign from my job in June, collect unemployment and stay home with my son all summer. While the "idea" is actually appealing, it's not reality because I live paycheck to paycheck and hold my breath every time I check my bank account into which my child support is deposited. i don't trust my ex. But I remind myself that he chose to take himself out of his son's life. I've been in this mother thing since the day i found out I was pregnant. In 150 percent.

But I just keep asking myself is this all there is? Those knights in shining armor? I'm not sure they exist. I remember reading a story a long time ago about a single mom with a child - her name is Diedre and I know her daughter has special needs) who met Albert Pujols (the major league baseball star) and she was struggling and living in the same kind of financial poverty and she ended up marrying him. But she was young and beautiful and I'm old and somewhat attractive I guess I don't know but do you think something like that could happen to me? Nope. I dream of meeting someone with money but more importantly - someone I really like, that my son likes, who would like BOTH of us and perhaps fall in love with BOTH of us and vice versa and basically tell me I would never have to worry about paying for my son's summer camp expenses again.

but who am I kidding? ME LOL!!!! The one time in my life I was lucky was when my son was born. I read stories about bank robbers who have won the lottery and then I read stories about people who have won the lottery and have gone bankrupt! That's insane beyond all comprehension.

I can't help think of that song from the 70s I think called "What About Me?" It was a one hit wonder. But I ask that question over and over.

And let's add worrying about my Mom to all the stress because I'm going to be the one who will have to make the decision about her well-being when that day comes. And I'm so worried and consumed with fear that it's going to come sooner than I want it to. what am I going to do? I want her as close to me as possible - preferably in the same town or the next town over so I can see her every day. I HATE that she lives in another state and I blame my asshole father for that because he moved my mother there and she didn't want to go. My family is so splintered that I'm the only one who will be there to take care of my Mom because my older sister is a liar and crazy, my brother lives in Florida and I only speak to him once a year and my other sister lives in Australia and I swear to God I am repeating myself (no, I KNOW I am) and my father doesn't even count or figure into my Mom's future because they're divorced and he's a prick of the highest degree.

So here I am wondering how all this is going to play out and wishing I could get lucky like that woman who met and married Albert Pujols. She never has to worry about money again. What sucks is that I am not in a public type job so I never get to meet anyone at my job. My son is with me all the time so I don't go out much because I can barely afford my living expenses nevermind a babysitter.

Not too many options for me.

I'm blah blah blahing right now. When I got home, I ate a tomato salad with a piece of bread but then got into the pretzels and nutella (which god bless america are really good together - sweet and salty. And i had a glass of milk so of COURSE that justifies the pretzels and nutella. But that's been it. I ate until i wasn't hungry anymore which wasn't alot. And right now i have no desire to eat anything else.

I want a cigarette in the worst way. But I won't do it.

I just need that 20 grand. And someone to fill in the big gaping hole in my son's life and in mine. I wish I could contact that woman and ask her how she managed to snag someone like Pujols. How did she get that lucky? yes, I know all the pitfalls of marrying a ballplayer or a professional athlete - duh, do you think I fell off the turnip truck this morning? But in the big picture for me, she doesn't have to worry about money for her kids every again. And that's what I so desperately crave is just to be able to have enough money so I can take care of my son. I'm not willing to settle for some 80 year old rich guy (yuck) because I am human and I crave human contact. Women who marry those kinds of guys ARE golddiggers. I am so not that.

I just want to wake up every morning and not have Mt. Everest around my neck anymore and never have to worry about how I am going to take care of my son.

Movin' forward.

Foraging into 50 - Day 4

bad day. too much stress. I didn't eat breakfast but took a bagel, low fat cream cheese and smoked salmon with me to work. 2 or 3 cups of coffee plus all of the above.

then i started to feel like shit freezing, hot, and now just neutral and blah.

cup o soup chicken noodle and peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat.

multigrain cheerios and bananas now.

the snow and ice and crappy messy awful day didn't help things at all.

movin' forward.

Foraging into 50 Day 3 Evening Food Blues

I obviously have to eat some sort of a healthy filling snack in the afternoon to keep me from doing what I did when I got home. Once again, I caved in to starvation issues (and stress) and ate the following: 1 slice of low salt cheese, 1 slice of bbq chicken, 1 slice of low fat cheese and a pickle and 10 cold shrimp. and that was enough until supper. 1 slice of meatloaf, sweet potatoes and green beans. none of that too terribly bad except for the pillsbury biscuits. i did step on the land mine this morning and dropped another pound but i bet i put it right back on with this evening's "foraging" and then some ... yuck. i hate stress. i could go back to smoking and drinking coffee 24/7 but i'd probably have a stroke and die and miss the 2012 Red Sox season and that is just not acceptable to me.

Oh wait - I forgot the dessert - a scoop of friendly's multi colored sherbert and a snack size hershey bar broke in half.

i keep seeing commercial for weight watchers online. i balance my checkbook. i can't be keeping tracks of points AND write a blog at the same time and work and be a single parent and and and and and ....

(throwin' up my hands in self disgust).

i hate being overweight.

Movin' forward ....

Foraging into 50 Day 3 Morning

Notwithstanding that I had a near-stroke last night and went to bed with blood pressure as high as the Empire State Building because my old sister is certifiably insane and a pathological liar, I am surprised I did not eat the contents of my fridge, and go out and buy cigarettes and smoke the whole pack.

Score one for me on handling extreme stress.

Sadly, I did not sleep very well and had the whackiest dreams. I woke up with a headache which has since dissipated an am now eating a nice healthy bowl of oatmeal (not the instant shit) - real oatmeal - with non fat milk, half a sliced and diced apple and a splash of agave nectar. I usually put brown sugar in my oatmeal but I made a simple change to the agave nectar and found it to be a much better choice because I can taste the oatmeal, I can taste the apples and it doesn't taste like I'm eating a bowl of sugar disguised as oatmeal.

The next question is whether I am going for a walk today. I do not feel like it right now. I could go rake my side yard of all the sticks and sawdust and branch pieces from the tree that was cut down last Friday. Then again I may go for a quick walk. It's sunny, blue skies. I will let you know what I decide later when I write again.

I am, however, still bothered by my sister's insanity. it's bothering me greatly. But this is not the first time she has created an over the top, extra elaborate embellished beyond all comprehension story lie that SHE believes to be true, has passed on to other people and then attempted to pass it on to me.

see me? I am pointing to myself. I did NOT fall off the turnip truck today, yesterday or any other day in my life. I am a highly intelligent, well-educated college graduate who has worked as a reporter for 30 plus years, has worked in law for the last 10 plus years and who was not born making a "statement" but instead, asking "why." And who, what, where, when how.

get the picture?

So when my sister attempts to tell me a major airline made a "mistake" in a reservation, and she then tells me she called Homeland Security as a result of that alleged "mistake," and the mistake is a mistake that ONLY my sister could have made herself because of the circumstances under which the "mistake" was made (sorry for being so cryptic), and my sister proceeds to spend one solid hour telling me that these "mistakes" are made all the time; that airline reservation websites have a direct link to each of the continental US 50 states' Dept. of Vital Records and Statistics databases (um yah, right) AND that whomever she spoke to at Homeland Security assured her that the "mistake" is made ALL THE TIME but not to worry. AND she attempted to tell me that Homeland Security out of Springfield, Mass. (I didn't even know that HS had an office in Springfield) told her back in 2009 that her passport had been sold on the black market for $10,000 and that a guy's picture was pasted into her passport with her name on it and the guy was from Romania. She took a trip somewhere in 2009 and allegedly her wallet was stolen (i'm really starting to wonder about that whole story, too) and her passport was in her wallet and then it just snowballed after that. I dunno. All my red flags were waving in my head, the bullshit radar was so off the charts and my sister got downright nasty with me when I started questioning everything she was telling me and accused me of trying to sabotage  the trip she is taking with my mom. Frankly, I don't give a hoot that she's going with my Mom - i am HAPPY she is going because she can keep an eye on my Mom and they both will fare well getting out of New England in February but if my Mom had an inkling of what my sister did, and how she has tried to cover her mistake by creating, weaving, and spinning the most elaborate lie I have EVER heard, my mother would cancel the trip just because my sister has created a situation that should have never been created.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure I trust my sister now because she had my mom's credit card number when she booked these reservations; and she's now claiming she's getting credit card offers from US Air (another lie).

So I made one phone call to the airlines because frankly, I was very concerned that my elderly mom's identity may be compromised by this alleged "mistake" and spoke to a veteran internet tech support rep who was the NICEST woman I have spoken to at a major corporation in a long, long time. She then proceeded to confirm what I already knew deep down inside: my sister lied about everything, the mistake was my sister's but in her fogged out insane state of mind, tried to cover it up by blaming the airlines when in fact it is duly noted on the reservation notes that SHE in fact called the airline, not once but TWICE and admitted her mistake but then tried to cover it all up to avoid the wrath of my mom because my sister's "mistake" has now caused my mother to have to gather up several pieces of identification that she must bring with her (my sister and my mother are taking a trip together - in the US) in order to prove who she is.

I really want to strangle my sister right now but she's across the state and I can't reach that far.

I am so disturbed by the lies she spun last night that I can't stop shaking my head and rolling my eyes. I fully expected my eyeballs to be on my pillow when I woke up.

And this all ties in to losing weight how? Stress. People under great stress will eat because it's part of the emotional eating cycle. I finished my oatmeal and am no longer hungry. I pride myself on the fact that I did NOT eat anything after that extremely near apoplexy fit I had last night; and I am pride myself that I gathered my wits this morning and ate my oatmeal while writing this blog. My hands were occupied and I focused on my writing and eating slowly. I did both.

and I spoke to my mom, but I did not mention what I had discovered. She brought up the trip and I asked her only to send me a copy of the itinerary so I have it, too, and she briefly mentioned the "mistake" issue and I just said it was "weird" and left it at that. If she knew what I knew, she'd kill my sister too.

i come from a highly dysfunctional family. My father is a wealthy, white collar criminal who has committed fraud, forgery, income tax fraud, and he, too, is a pathological liar. He was a terrible role model for his three daughters which is most likely why all three of us are divorced. He was mean spirited, verbally abusive to ALL of us - including my mother - which is why my Mom drank her way through my age 10 until I left home at 18/19 ish. Not an unusual family but MY family. Sucks to have been me.

BUT I can confidently say I am NOT crazy but I AM dirt freakn' poor (financially), hanging on by my pinky nail (but believe it or not all bills current and my phone doesn't ring too much unless it's my Mom or a work related call), and I am raising a child alone because - oh no surprise - I married someone nearly identical to my father - with all the same traits but with another secret - alcohol.

bad role models most likely mean bad relationship choices. bad relationship choices mean low self esteem, low dignity and gasp - overeating.

See how I was going to tie all this in together? I mentioned in an earlier blog that I was thin most of my life until I made one of the worst judgment calls of my life by saying "I do" in 1999 then found myself pregnant and growing fatter and fatter every day because my ex was drinking our money away and I was borrowing money from friends and when my son was born my ex went AWOL and the end came when he dropped my son on his head on New Year's night the year he was born because he was too drunk to hold him. And that was that, folks. I called the cops, they took him away, and we divorced a very short time after.

And I kept eating to tamp down the feelings of failure, the feelings of utter fear of raising a child alone (I didn't have a clue), the sadness, the anger, the bitterness, even the joy my son brought to me was layered over with all of the above.

Now 12 years later, as i approach 50, the weight issue is rearing its ugly fat ass head again. I'd rather get into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson than to have to battle my weight.

but I'm going to give it a helluva shot.

Get busy livin' or get busy dying.

From one of my all time favorite movies The Shawshank Redemption.

ciao until later ....

Foraging into 50 Day 2 Addendum

I really now understand why eating lunch is important because otherwise, you will do what I did. Forget to eat lunch, stuff a Luna bar in my mouth on the drive home from work, then "forage for food to tamp down the hunger at 3 p.m. So let's see what did I eat: hummous w/hot sauce mixed in and carrots (that's not too terribly bad at all); 2 pieces of my veggie quiche (i could have just had the one) and then the snack sized butterfingers called my name from the bag on top of the fridge. I only ate two.

And my co-worker brought in a box of DD coffee AND munchkins today. I limited myself to only 3.

Rollin' my eyes at my utter lack of discipline BUT looking at what I did eat and not feeling too guilty. Actually, I have no guilt at all. I either change my eating habits or not. simple as that. it's only day 2 and it's up to me.

movin' forward.

Afterthought: i had a flat belly in high school and throughout my 20s and early 30s. i was never overweight in my life until i got pregnant. my stomach came in the door before I did. i was horrified what physical changes pregnancy did to me. I clearly was not meant to be pregnant. it was the grossest most disgusting traumatic physical event I have ever experienced in my life. I thought I had an alien growing inside of me (although the initial ultrasound showed what appeared to be a small shark on the screen) and of course the first time my son kicked the shit out of me, all I could think of was the movie Alien with Signorey Weaver and the scene where the alien pops out of the guy's stomach right at the dinner table. that was enough to make me swear off sex for the rest of my life because I'd slit my throat and stick an icepick in my eye before I ever got pregnant again. As it was, from the time i figured out I did get pregnant which was Sept. 1999 to February 2006, I did just that - no sex. But now we circle back to the beast-like thing I became during pregnancy and the hideous deformities that suddenly appeared after I gave birth. I did have a c-section which I GLADLY would have performed on myself but I trusted my OB to do it correctly because there was no fucking way I was pushing a 9 pound 22 inch kid through a hole the size of the place where my doorkey fits into my front door. I get the stretchy pussy muscle thing. But that was just NOT going to happen. If whomever created us human beings wanted pussies to stretch into tomorrow, they would have made the vaginal area of womens' bodies out of bungie cords.

I wished I could have just skipped the physical aspect of pregnancy and just had my kid handed to me through some portal or something. he's nearly 12 now and he is the best thing that happened to me - but not to my body. Gross. I throw up in my mouth when I see pregnant women. brings out the serious ewww factor for me.

i don't know what the hell happened but my stretched out belly just never returned to its position -flat on my body. Instead, I can't quite describe what it is today. I KNOW surgery can fix this (shit for hellfire damnation if that whackadoodle Octomom can get her belly fixed enough to put on a bikini, then so can I. Except one small teensy weensy problem.

See me rubbing my thumb against my first two fingers? Yep, Money baby. lots of it. I got the weight and the Body Mass Index count but no moula.

Do plastic surgeons do pro bono work?

Foraging into 50 - Day 2

I just realized that 'foraging' has the connotation of looking for food LMFAO! And this whole self-preservation thing is completely the opposite LOL LOL LOL! (smacking my forehead). Well, perhaps it could be considered as foraging for self preservation before, during and after turning 50. that works for me.

So I got up, made my son breakfast, saw him off to school, synched my Ipod (which by the way is one of the absolute drop dead ORIGINAL WHITE Ipod shuffles that were first made about 30 billion years ago. If Steve Jobs were alive, I'd write to him to tell him that his stuff is definitely long-lasting. I want a newer updated one but I'm reluctant to part with this because it still works fine.

I took a walk - about an almost 20 minute one and actually took a route with some small inclines. I didn't keel over dead. I was not winded which I suppose is a good thing. And after all the log rolling I did yesterday, I wasn't even in the kind of pain I've been in for the past year WITHOUT log rolling. Hmmmmmm.

Degenerative disc disease is not reversible. And given the two gene mutations I have - one of which is C677T which is present in many autoimmune disease patients - I really wonder what the hell is going on inside my body in addition to all the other shit  nevermind carrying around 50-60 pounds of extra weight. That just cannot be helpful at all (duh - ya THINK?)

So I'm sitting here listening to my hero of the year - Porcelain Black and her song This is What Rock 'n Roll Looks Like. I wanna look like her. Her figure, her HAIR, and I want lick my lips at my current flavor of the month (that on again off again off off off and on on on again guy) for the past near 7 years.

Pulling myself out of that reverie (pipe dream? I wish? get real isn't going to happen?) I now have to contemplate breakfast. I've been pretty content with Kashi's Autumn Wheat cereal (I'm actually counting the biscuits - I get 28 in a serving which believe it or not fills that bowl. I COULD use a SMALLER bowl which would make the bowl appear fuller (there is a psychological aspect to eating food) and if the bowl is YELLOW (which I have in Fiestaware) and adding strawberries or blueberries to the cereal makes it even all the more appealing. I drink non-fat milk so there's no issue there.

Packing a lunch. Boston lettuce, a half of cut up apple, 1 serving of tuna in water, zuma tomatoes and my non fat wasabi dressing (which I really have to say is pretty freakn' good). it's made by Maple Farms - I need to write to that company and declare my undying loyalty and maybe score some coupons, too. I'll probably throw in a luna bar for a snack and a bottle of water. I need to get rid of the crackers at work. And get it in my head that I need to do something with my hands at all times to keep them occupied other than eat. I could think of a more than a few things but that would require the male species to be around and I just can't get what I want these days ..... Sucks to be me. Maybe I should advertise for a younger guy.

You know what I saw today on the HuffPost? A video of a guy who proposed to his girlfriend by creating a Lego film. The guy is an Atlanta, Georgia filmmaker named Walt Thompson and I was so blown away by this - the utter ROMANCE oh be still my beating heart and even my son thought it was extra cool! I told him that is how you propose to a girl - with something extra amazing, extra creative and romantic all rolled into one. Of course you have to be completely sure she'll be receptive and say yes. some girls don't like that shit.

I'm telling ya - if I could find a guy who would propose like that (baseball themed of course) I'd throw all caution to the wind and get married for the third time (that third time's the charm thing).

But I'd make damn sure he has money. And it's not a golddigger thing or anything. I'm perfectly capable of working, but more importantly, I'd appreciate him, and in turn, I'd be able to spend more time writing and contributing financially by finishing my novels because I'd have the time and the space and some lake house office that I can write uninterrupted.

Are there guys like that out there?

Hey, i'm still waiting for my note in the bottle to be found - the one I threw into the canal in Westerly, Rhode Island in August 2010. With my luck some shark ate it or an octopus snagged it and it's firmly entrenched in some bottom of the ocean cave. that's my life and my luck.

anyways, off to eat breakfast. I did exercise with my stretchy band things (I put it around the tree out back) and am wondering if the stretchy band is going to snap and rocket back to my head, knock me out and leave me with a concussion on the ground.

There's a great new excuse for not showing up for work.

I'm outta here for now.

Foraging into 50 - Addendum 1

So seriously? I thought this was going to be just a weight loss blog but my incontrovertible humor seems to be overtaking my desire to tell the world that I'm not really "fat" (except by the fashion industry standards who classify a Size 6 as a plus size. If that's the case, then I am the Oval Office times 3.

So tonight was somewhat of a disaster. There I went again having nothing to do with my hands except put food in same and raise to my mouth. but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Let's see: piece of veggie quiche (cold, yum, without ketchup heavens to mergatroit), some steamed carrots, spinach, and coucous and a few bites of steamed cauliflower. no salt. I sloshed a few splashes of wasabi fat free dressing on everything on my plate as my son watched in horror because ALL my food was touching and i have a tendency to mix my food together just to see what it tastes like. I don't care. I LIKE my food touching. I LIKE when I mix my corn and mashed potatoes together and I LIKE slathering my steak with 1.59 walmart ketchup (or whatever the brand name is). I don't CARE what anyone thinks.

So that was my dinner tonight. But then of course there was ONE Portugese roll left and I split it with my son and I opted out of the butter for peanut butter. My logic? Protein is way better than than the butter.

Um, yah, right. Fat = fat no matter what.

but it was only a little peanut butter. It's not like i layered it on my half of the roll. And I drink milk with 99.9 percent of my meals (yes, even with Chinese food and lobster) so I finished my milk with my half of the roll.

And nothing else has gone into my mouth since 6 p.m.

So here I am at 9:40 pm i just finished watching Easy A, a great movie. But the best part is when the guy she likes drives up onto her lawn on a borrowed lawnmower holding up speakers that are blaring "DONT YOU FORGET ABOUT ME" a HUGE 80s hit. Now how come I could never find a guy to do that for me?

50 is a funky number. I am undecisive right now about whether to throw in the towel and look upon the last five decades as 50 years of having accomplished nada, zip, zero, and however other many languages you can say "nothing" in terms of a real career or a lasting marriage or long-term relationship that was actually healthy and meaningful and "normal" or I can spend the next five decades remembering that it's never too late to be what I might have been.

What might I have been? Thin. I was - when I was about 12 ha ha ha ha.

I mean don't get me wrong - I do care what I look like and I really cannot stand to look at myself naked because pregnancy was not my bag and losing 60 pounds in 3 months borderlined on dramatic weightloss but given that all I did was smoke pack after pack of cancer sticks and drink gallons and gallons of DD coffee and not eat, well, yah, I guess it was pretty dramatic. and even more dramatic is how half of it has  slithered back onto me like freakn' medusa's snakes on her head (is that like snakes on a plane?) and in the past year, I have been undergoing some weird shit inside and out that I am just not happy about and given that my mother has early dementia, my sister is a kook, my brother speaks to me once a year and my youngest sister lives in Australia and has NOT got eaten by a Great White, there isn't anyone I can really talk to about what's happening to me. I am mired in silence because I am horrified that my hair is thinning, (I am afraid to brush it), I don't sleep because I may as well be sleeping in a  bed of lava, my bathroom scale has become a land mine and the guy that I've been dating off and on and off and off and off and on and on and on and off and on and let's see what is it now? on I think -- for nearly seven years is in worse shape than I am.

So I am a little envious of moms in my town who are younger than me, THINNER than me and who have teens about to go off to college and husbands who are wealthy and they don't have to look at the prices in the grocery store (but probably wouldn't get on their knees and give their husbands a blow job even if a thousand dollar shopping spree to Macy's was offered to them in exchange for same)

jeez girls --  it's not really THAT big a deal.

I'm getting off track.

bottom line: I am almost 50, overweight, dealing with mind-boggling physical INTERRUPTIONS (what the fuck kind of word is menopause anyways? MEN O PAUSE. Yep, that about sums it up. Men will pause when a woman turns 50 and say gee, she looks like shit. Oh and did I mention I have a pre-teen kid who is beginning to experience puberty and who cheerfully informs me that he has hair on his balls?

And I wonder why I eat the way I do.

I would kill for a smoke right now.

Is it Day 2 yet?

Foraging Into Fifty - Day 1 addendum

Nothing wrecks the day like emotional eating. I need to make sure I don't have any crunchy munchy stuff in my office, near my desk or within a thousand miles of me when my mind wanders while I am making a bazillion copies of depositions.

Fact: Black is slimming ONLY if you hide everything you are wearing with  a bigger black sweater.

Fact: Log rolling for exercise in the morning isn't half bad ha ha ha ha. The tree was rotting.

Trying not to think about supper. Then again, I have veggies to steam and rice to eat. I just have to make a separate supper for my son. If ONLY kids would wake up one day and say I LOVE EVERYTHING and eat whatever you put on their plates. Oh, dieting would be soooooooooooooooo easy.

It's 4:38 pm I have a ways to go for the night. I figured if I wrote first it would keep me away from the refrigerator for a while.

I'm still pissed for jamming all those multigrain wheat thins into my mouth. I had NOTHING to do with my hands while the copy machine was running. I COULD have sat down at my computer and made work for myself but the crackers called my name.

A huge defeat on the first day.

Movin' forward.

I may write more later.

I do have to say I may be overweight, but I would NOT take up two airplane seats if I did fly. Nor would I crush a chair into kindling if it was wooden.

I am just not at the weight I should be for my age, height and body frame.

If I lose enough, will I lose the boobs, too?

Oh what I wouldn't give to fit into a perfect 38C. Do you have any idea how NICE the lingerie choices are when you can fit into a 38C bra?

Foraging Into 50 Years - A Single Mom's Journey to Self-Preservation & Losing Weight To Stay Alive - Day 1

50. Half a decade. Nine days till it's been 18,250 days since I've been on this planet.

It's looming like the mothership hovering over Devil's Tower in Close Encounters of The Third Kind.

LOOMING.

And it' "ear-roding EAR-roding" my sense of self-esteem, self-confidence and self-preservation.

Why? Because I am overweight and I have a son who needs me to be healthy because I'm all he has. And about 40 billion other reasons that will bore people to death because everyone will say "yup, been there, done that. Movin' forward."

But let me tell you about being overweight (althought I am sure bazillions of women will read this and go, yup, check, have that, see that, ewww that).

I am 5-7. I weigh 191 pounds. There, I said it. And I don't give a shit anymore who reads that and says OMG PAULA IS A FREAKING MOOSE!

Bite me.

The Spanx hide the weight really well. And given that I have this amazing center of gravity below my 40Cs and above my thighs, that is the center of all the weight. That's the only reason I remain upright.

I can, however, still see my feet. I've never not been able to. I suppose that counts for something.

But after a three-month 60 pound weight loss during the summer of 2010 which left me even more sagging that I had been prior, I put 30 pounds of it back on in one year. Whether it was my age kicking in, my hormones being totally fucked up or that I moved into a new home and got comfortable because my son and I were safe from the monsters who nearly killed us in 2010, I don't know.

But last night was a wake up call. Something happened - well, Facebook revealed one its secrets in such a completely random coincidential manner - and this "secret" threw me for a loop. Jesus, it's one thing with the ring. It's another thing about the white pants.

And I spent the night assessing and re-assessing years gone by, the last six in particular that I've been the ultimate "giver" and finally decided that the next 50 years belong to me and I am going to become a taker.

But in a good way. I'm taking my dignity (what's left of it) and going to attempt to channel it upwards into what I hope to be a future of good health, sound mind (well, maybe because people already tell me I am certifiably off my rocker and I LAUGH because it's a compliment to me) and a body that when I look at it in the future, I would go "ewww, I'm gross" or have to stretch out my arms in front of me so that the tractor tires on my back will even out when I am bent over and getting screwed from behind, and I won't have to put a pillow under me when I am in same position because the rolls on my back are being evened out from my arms being stretched out in front of me but leaving my hanging sagging belly fat to dance to its own tune.

You get the ewwww picture. But really? Overweight women are truly creative when it comes to manuevering to a position to cause less jiggle, less tire action, etc. I'm tired of doing that. I want to focus solely on my self and not be bombarded with negative thoughts about how I look from behind, or the front, or sideways or from a distance.

And this is just about being naked. Wait till I write about me and clothes. The above-mentioned brings out the eww factor in me. I hate being naked. I hate taking a bath, I hate taking a shower. It has nothing to do with being clean because I'm a freak when it comes to that.

I just hate the way my body looks, what it has become and the fact I have to "hide" it from the world because it's the bane of my existence, the harpoon in my side 24/7/365.

I can blame it a bit on pregnancy from 12 years ago because I was horrified beyond all comprehension when I stepped back and looked at myself after I had my son. I could not believe what happened to my body. And it's been downhill ever since.

I hit rock bottom last night. That "secret" on Facebook just made me shake my head and go, that's it. I'm done. Time to get off my ass.

I'm not going to "diet" but I am going to change the way I eat. I am a stress smoker but I stopped that about 10 days ish ago. Cold turkey. Done it before a million times. But each time I look at my son, I have to convince myself that I can't smoke - at all.

And no smoking means more hunger and more hunger means emotional eating. Been there done that, too.

That's gotta stop.

Writing keeps my hands busy. It passes time that I otherwise would be foraging for food in my kitchen and eating for no apparent reason at all.

It doesn't change overnight. It's a mindset first. I have to want to change. I can't float along like a bottle on the ocean with a note it that says "rescue me" and hope someone finds it and does same.

That's for fairy tale fanatics.

This is real life, real time, right now.

50 is NOT an even number unless you divde it by 5 and get 10 and that's an even number.

10 pounds at a time. 10 pounds for each year I've been alive.

50 pounds to shed on this soon-to-be 50 year old single parent.

So maybe the sags might be more saggy but the rolls will remain on the bread shelves at the supermarket and not on me anymore. My legs are actually nice and my tattooed butt isn't too bad.

Duct tape (ohhh they have colored duct tape now) will most definitely help. But damn, I bet it will hurt peeling it off. Instead breast lift ha ha ha ha ha. OUCH.

Seriously: Humor and laughter have gotten me through the worst of times. So I LAUGH in the face of of the enormous task ahead of me (removing five albatrosses hanging around my neck) and regaining my self-esteem and self-esteem so that the next 50 years will be productive, healthy happy ones for me and for my son because really when push comes to shove - nothing else matters to me as a mom.

Movin' forward ......